Animals are basically the devil

Even though I have a novel to work on, I am the firmest believer in the art of procrastination. And I believe it is a skill that MUST be practiced, honed if you will. Procrastination is not something to be taken lightly. It is not for everyone, and only the very best can achieve the level of procrastination that I show every day.

So I'm going to tell everyone a story.

I kind of hate animals.

Now, I'm not saying I want to hurt animals or anything. I'm really not okay with animal cruelty. It's not cool guys. I mean I'm no vegetarian (mmm, chicken), but animals are living beings and have pain receptors and whatnot just like humans. If a cow or pig must die to be made into food, it shouldn't be tortured. If an animal is a performer, it should not be treated cruelly. Dog and chicken fights are pretty messed up. And if you beat your dog, you can go fuck yourself.

That said, I don't trust animals. They're kind of bastards (goats being the prime example here). I'm sure it has something to do with instinct or something I don't understand and don't care to. But most animals appear to be plotting my demise.

Now dogs. I love them. I have a one eyed bulldog and a chiweenie and I love them like my children. But dogs are kind of assholes, lets be honest. When I was eight, a neighbor's dog bit me. I wasn't even provoking her, just walking up to the house, and that little dog ran around the house and took a chunk right out of my thigh. Scared the absolute shit out of me. Now, I'm not scared of dogs anymore, but I sure as hell should be after that!

Also, I don't understand what the fuss is about when it comes to animals sometimes.

Horses for example. We all knew that kid in school who was just obsessed with horses. Girls are especially bad about this for some reason. I know girls who just lose their goddamn minds over horses. "Oh my goddd, did you see that horse? Oh my goddd, it's so majestic and beautiful. Oh I looooove horses, they're such wonderful creatures." Then they promptly feint into a pile of feelings.

And the whole time I'm just thinking, "Are you seeing those fucking TEETH? Christ, those could bite off my ARM! This horse is going to literally eat me! I am about to be devoured by a carnivorous horse! IT'S GOT THE HUNGER, I CAN SEE IT IN THOSE WEIRDLY EYELASHED EYES! GET ME AWAY FROM IT BEFORE IT STARTS MUNCHING ON MY FLESH!"

Clearly, I am not part of the horse fandom that seems to exist among young women.

And BIRDS! Shit, don't get me started on birds.

Birds are basically the meanest fuckers around. Alfred Hitchcock got it fucking right when he made that movie.

When I was probably 11 or 12, we had this green parakeet named Yoda. And he loved everyone but me. He personally went after me whenever we brought him out of his cage. I'm still not convinced he didn't try to murder me in my sleep.

And a couple years ago we had chickens who attacked me whenever I tried to feed them. They were totally cool and chill with my dad and sister, but if I reached for their food troth, they suddenly became viking warriors and my arm became nice, ripe lands and people, ready to pillage and murder. It was not pretty.

Furthermore, I don't understand this craze with owls. Owls are loud, and creepy, and are nature's equivalent to Regan from the Exorcist. They're not cute guys. Not at all.

In conclusion, animals should not be trusted. And we should definitely treat them nicely, or they will straight up eat your soul (a scientifically proven FACT, I'm pretty sure).

I guess I should get back to writing... Ughh.